English version below

God morgen Far. I går var 2 år siden moren vår døde. Jeg skulle tenne lys Far, men glemte det. Så nå tenner jeg masse lys til minne om henne. Jeg glemte det i går fordi jeg hadde så mye å tenke på. Hadde mye smerte…kropp og sjel. Følte at livet har vært veldig tøft. Mye kroniske smerter. Så mange mennesker jeg må tilfredsstille, må forstå og adlyde. Og i tillegg, følte jeg at jeg ble urettferdig behandlet og ikke ble hørt. Mye motgang i alle kanter.

Hvis psyken hadde vært bra, hadde jeg sikkert tålt mer. Hadde tålt mye før. Men på grunn av jeg også hadde mistet en datter i fjor i tillegg til min mor, er jeg fortsatt knekt.  Du hentet dem for tidlig Far. Og selv om jeg vet at de har det bedre hos Deg… savner jeg dem så mye. Å høre deres stemmer…å se dem le eller være i deres nærvær.

 Jeg har bedt mye og ber fortsatt mye. Jeg vet at Du er der….men av og til er du veldig stille. Du lar meg gå gjennom stormene fordi det er sikkert noe du vil at jeg skal lære. For å bygge meg opp. For å være den du vil at jeg skal være, men noen ganger, klarer jeg ikke å stoppe tårene. Det drypper mye nå akkurat som regnet ute. Selv om navnet mitt betyr lykke, er jeg ikke alltid lykkelig.

Jeg vil ikke virke klagende Far for Du har velsignet meg veldig mye. Så synd at noen ganger….når motgangen blir for enormt, glemmer jeg det. Og jeg havner i kjelleren der det er mørkt og kaldt.

Og derfor søker jeg hjelp hos Deg som er alltid der. Takk for at bak skyene er himmelen alltid blå. Takk for at hverdagen har alltid noe godt å by på. La meg se de gode både i store og små ting Far…for det er sikkert mye.

Takk for at jeg fikk også hjelp fra de som jeg kunne tenke meg kan få meg opp igjen der jeg ligger langt nede. Jeg ble endelig hørt og fikk hjelp og derfor hjalp det litt. Takk for familier og venner Far. Mest av alt for Din tålmodighet med meg. For at jeg kan komme til Deg uansett tid. Takk for livet og alt det innebær. Uansett farger. Gråe dager, lyse dager, fargerike dager, umulige dager, sørgedager og lykkelig dager. Når jeg er opp på toppen av fjellet eller nede dalen. Når det stormer og når det er stille. Takk og atter takk for alt de som gjør livet spennende og ikke kjedelig. Det er lærdom i alt. Takk for allting Far.

Til min mor

Jeg vil tro at Du er hos Faderen. Jeg vil bare si at du skal alltid være i våre hjerter. Hos oss….dine etterkommere. Tusen takk for alt du var for oss. For hva måtte ha ofret for hver og en av oss. Vi hadde vonde minner, men også gode minner. De gode måltidene du hadde tilberedt for oss hver gang vi hadde kommet på besøk. Jeg er veldig takknemlig for du ga oss aldri opp.

Takk for de gode egenskapene som du etterlot oss. Du var en arbeidsom kvinne som brydde deg om oss alle. Du var ikke perfekt, men det er ikke vi heller. Du hadde ikke et godt liv i begynnelsen. Vokste opp i fattigdom og hardt liv. Men en far som var for meg virket så skremmende de få gangene jeg har sett ham.  Du ble inngiftet med faren vår som var etter noen år av deres ekteskap ble både blind og døv. Du har vært på en måte mor og far for oss. Jobbet mye for å forsørge oss. Du slet, gråt, vært redd, ble urettferdig behandlet og har vært mye alene om dine smerter. Du måtte ha følt mye smerte på grunn av atskillelsen fra oss. Du måtte jobbe langt unna for å forsørge oss. Vi ble sendt hit og dit for å overleve. Det kan ikke være lett for deg det. Jeg hadde også opplevd det med mine barn. Likevel er jeg takknemlig for at Gud hadde berget oss. Hadde hjulpet oss mye. Jeg ser det det nå når jeg tenker tilbake. Til vi ses igjen mor. Husk at jeg er glad i deg.

Good morning Father. Yesterday was 2 years ago since my mother had died. I was going to light a candle Father, but I forgot. So now I light a lot of candles in memory of her. I forgot yesterday because I had so much to think about. Had a lot of pain… body and soul. Felt that life has been very tough. Lots of chronic pain. So many people I have to satisfy, have to understand and obey. And besides, I felt that I was being treated unfairly and not heard. Lots of adversity on all sides.

If my psyche had been good, I would probably have endured more. Had endured a lot before. But because I also lost a daughter last year in addition to my mother, I’m still cracked. You picked them up too early Father. And even though I know they are better off with You… I miss them so much. To hear their voices… to see them laugh or just to be in their presence.

 I have prayed a lot and still pray a lot. I know you’re there, but sometimes you’re very quiet. You let me go through the storms because it’s probably something you want me to learn. To build me up. To be who you want me to be. Although sometimes, I could not stop the tears like now. It’s dripping a lot just like the rain outside. Although my name means happy, I’m not always happy though. And I supposed it is what life is really is.  

I will not seem complaining Father for You have blessed me very much. Pretty sad though that sometimes… .when the adversity gets too enormous, I forget your goodness. And I end up in the basement where it’s dark and cold.

And therefore, I seek help from You who are always there. Thank you that behind the clouds the sky is always blue. Thank you that everyday life always has something good to offer. Let me see the good ones in both big and small things Father… because there are many blessings.

Thank you also because I could seek help from those whom I thought could help me get on the right track again. And now, I was finally heard and got help and therefore I feel better.

Thanks for families and friends Father. Most of all for your patience towards me. I can come to You at any time. Can cry my heart out and be honest.

Thank you for life and all that it entails. Whatever the colors. Gray days, bright days, colorful days, impossible days, sad days, and happy days. When I’m up on top of the mountain or down on the valley. When it’s stormy and when it’s quiet. Thank you again and again for all those things and people who make life exciting and not boring. It is a lesson in everything. Thanks for everything Father.

To my mother

I want to believe that You are with the Father in heaven. I just want to say that you will always be in our hearts. With us… .your descendants. Thank you so much for everything you were to us. For what you must have sacrificed for each and every one of us. We had bad memories, but also good memories. The great meals you had prepared for us every time we had come to visit. I’m very grateful you never gave upon us.

Thank you for the good qualities you left us. You were a hardworking woman who cared about all of us. You were not perfect, but neither are we. You did not have a good life in the beginning. Grew up in poverty and hard life. You had a father who was to me seemed so frightening the few times I have seen him. You were married to our father who after a few years of your marriage, he became both blind and deaf. You have been in a way a mother and father to us. Worked a lot to support us. Struggled, cried, was scared, was treated unfairly, and has been a lot alone in your pain. You must have felt a lot of pain because of the separation from us. You had to work far away to support us. We were sent here and there to survive. It could not be easy for you. I had also experienced it with my children. Still, I am thankful that God had saved us. Had helped us a lot. I see it there now when I think back. Until we meet again mother. Remember I love you.